


Tomorrow in the Battle Think on me

by FeBookworm



Category: Bridgerton (TV), Bridgerton Series - Julia Quinn
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - World War II, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Letters, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:13:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28555179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeBookworm/pseuds/FeBookworm
Summary: Colin Bridgerton is an english soldiers during World War II, joining the army before the D-Day, fighting for freeing Europe from Nazis.Pen and Eloise are nurses in Londo military hospital. They write letters to each other, trying to have some normality in war.Or: Pen is the only one who can keep Colin sane when he talks about the horrors of war
Relationships: Colin Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington
Comments: 77
Kudos: 269





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> This is my first ff in this forum and my first in english. I hope it's not that terrible!^^"
> 
> I saw a promt on tumblr about Colin being a soldier. This ff is what came to my mind after reading that promt.
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy it

He knew that going to war would have been terrible. He knew. He still remebers the few tales of the first World War his father shared with him and his older brothers when they were children. He remembers the fear in his eyes and how, even after a decade since the end of the war, he quivered when he heard the fireworks, lost in his memories of bombing and constant shooting.

When he signed for joining the army he knew all these things, but he joined nonetheless. His family wasn't enthusiastic about it. He was Colin Bridgerton, the prankster, the brother who always finds the bright and funny side of things, always ready to have a good laugh. How could funny Colin be the stoic and determined lieutenant Bridgerton, who was fighting for his country?

For his brother Anthony he was cruel to do this to Mother. And for Benedict and his other siblings he was a fool.

But he joined because he thought it was right. He still thinks it, even after the horrors of D-Day.

He looks at his men, the same men who followed his orders after a sniper killed their captain. Men he is proud of.

He looks at them and he knows he did the right thing. Even if sometimes the right thing to do is something terrible to the ones you love the most.

****************

_Dear brother,_

_I hope you're fine. Mom always checks for your name in the list of dead and wounded. I find it a little be creepy, but I can understand why she does it._

_I hear the news on the radio and I follow every step our army takes in order to free France from that scum of Nazis._

_I wasn't able to say it to you before you left, but I write it to you now: I'm proud of my big brother Colin, the one who chose the hardest path in this precise historical moment to do the right thing. I only hope you will return home with two arms, two legs and twenty fingers._

_I mean it, Colin. Please, and I'm completely serious now, be careful._

_We're waiting for you at home,_

_El._

_Ps: I almost forgot. Pen passed the exam and now she is a nurse in London military hospital. Isn't she amazing?_

***************

"It's good news, lieutenant?" one of his men asked, looking at his smiling face while he was reading El's letter.

"Just my sister Eloise. In her own way, she said that at home everything is fine and that they're hoping I'm fine as well."

"Family always worries, lieutenant" another one said:"But it's a good feeling."

Colin nodded:"They weren't exactly enthusiastic when I left, though"

"Trust me, lieutenant, no one was. My mother cried from the moment I told her. I bet she is crying even now."

Yeah, but still they could have been a little warmer… Colin thought. They never tried to understand him and his choice. Well, El just did it now.

"I'm going to write her back" he said dismissing himself. 

_Dear El,_

_thank you for your letter. The food here is not as delicious as at home, but I can't complain. Let's not start with talking about the sight! The sea here is better than it is in Bath. And the weather! Finally summer is summer and not rainy, cloudy and muggy London. I should have joined sooner!_

_Please, tell Mother that I'm good. I am, I swear. I'm fine._

_We will soon reach Paris._

_Everything is going better than what we thought._

_And El, please. Tell Pen I'm proud of her. Really proud. I'm sure she is the best nurse in the hospital. Tell her that too._

_Your brother,_

_Colin_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who read and liked the story.  
> Now, here come more letters (I really like writing the letters, you can add more details and depth to the characters).

_Dear brother,_

_Mother is a little upset with you. In your letters you only write about beautiful things or things that really no one cares about. Who cares about France weather? It's like you're back in your travelling activities. Not like you're a soldier in this terrible war._

_Could you please write something terrible and bloody so that Mama could cry all her tears for you and we, your devoted siblings, could tell to the Ton the hero you are?_

_It would be really appreciated._

_Pen says: while you are in Paris, remember to go to Shakespeare and Co. You promised Colin Bridgerton._

_With love,_

_El_

_Ps: you know, brother, what would be an incredible idea? If you write directly to Pen and she writes back directly to you. I'm not a carrier pigeon you know._

*******************

Colin rolled his eyes while reading for the third time El's last letter. Her sarcasm one day will be the death of her.

He doesn't understand his family's wishes. They weren't supportive when he left, but they now want the details?

"Write something terrible and bloody".

Really? As if it was only a game, some childish stupid game and not war, real war, with real deaths, real wounds, real blood.

Plus, he is no hero.

He just follows the orders, for once in his life. And he fights side by side with his men. That's all.

They will never understand. Not his witty, sunny family. Never understand the bond that was created on the very first day on the battlefield.

His feet moved without direction, he was too concentrated on his thoughts to care about where to go.

He thought about the last days. All that clamor for Paris' liberation, all the parades, the balloons and french flags… As if the real war was here, and not in the north, direction Belgium, Netherlands and Germany.

They never encountered a real offensive organised by Germans. They only fought against a couple of disorganised companies, with limited bullets. He suspected, and so did Chuck, an american captain with whom he was fighting side by side, that this was all a tactic. The enemy wants them to believe they are invincible, unstoppable, make them believe everything will be over before Christmas. And then… bang. They will be stopped and trapped in the worst battlefield in the middle of winter.

If that happened, war would last at least another year and all the advantage they have gained with Normady's landing would be vain.

He sighed and looked at the sky. Such a beautiful sunny limpid day ruined by his bad mood. Then he looked at the surroundings and realised he was in front of the Shakespeare and Co. Book Shop the one he once promised Pen to visit.

Well, he thought, it deserves a try.

*******************

_Dear El,_

_Please tell Mama that I'm terribly wounded. The doctors say I won't live to see the next dawn. Make sure all the matching mamas of the Ton hear the news, so that they will bet their chances of a Bridgerton wedding on the last Bridgerton available, our Gregory._

_I'm sure society will weep for me as it weeps for the king's death._

_Adieu, my dear sister._

_Colin_

_Ps: I don't need to tell you I'm joking, right? I was joking, El. I'm fine. I'm better here than at home surrounded by marching mamas and threats of marriage._

******************

_Dearest Pen,_

_I hope you don't mind if I write directly to you. El in her last letter said something about carrier pigeon, so…_

_As I promised, I went to Shakespeare and Co. It was strange being there, you know? It is smaller than what I thought, fuller of books than what we esteemed._

_I asked the owner if it's always that full of books or if it was because of war. She said that it's always like that and I hope one day you will see it in person. It's the kind of book shop you can get lost in. A real book shop for bookworms, as you told me years ago._

_I bought you the book I'm sending you with this letter. It's the same collection of war poems that Papa had, the one you always ask permission to read because you love it so much._

_There is a stamp on the last page with the book shop's logo. You have something from Paris now, it was one of your dreams, wasn't it?_

_Actually, Pen. Can I talk freely?_

_Everything is so strange here in Paris. I've been here before thanks to my travels and I've seen the beauty of the city. You remember? We've talked for hours about Paris, you constantly asking for details and me trying to be as precise as your imagination required._

_But now Pen everything seems grey. It looks as if Nazis took away all the colours, leaving only shades of depressing grey._

_Do these words make sense to you? Am I talking nonsense?_

_And Pen… the buildings. They stand miraculously; they are like...made of paper mache, ready to fade into ashes if you breath too hard near them._

_I watch my men and my camrades-in-arms, simple people who never had the chance to travel and that are now here, in the wonderful city of Paris, and it pains me to see and feel their enthusiasm, their wonder. Because this Paris is only a mere shadow, an ugly copy of the Paris I know and it's painful to realise that this shitty Paris is the only Paris they will ever know._

_I swear, Pen, nothing had hit me so strongly, as if it was a punch in my stomach, like this sight if Paris._

_It was… I don't know, Pen. If I tell you that I only realise we were really at war when I saw first hand what years of Nazi occupation did to the wonders of Paris, will you believe me? Will these foolish words make sense to you?_

_Maybe it's just a raving. Maybe I'm only tired and need a good rest._

_Yours,_

_Colin_

_Ps: I'm really an idiot and not as well-mannered as Mama thinks. How are you? Is your work at London military hospital too hard? Do you like being a nurse? Tell me everything Pen._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should admit that I love writing Eloise's letters. Full of sarcasm. And Colin's reply too.
> 
> I don't know how to write Pen's ones, to be honest. Should she be as sincere as Colin in the last one? Should she add a little bit of wit?  
> We will see.  
> Hope you enjoyed!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thanks to everyone who wrote kind words about the story. You really warmed my heart.
> 
> Then, it was very difficoult to write Pen's letter. I hope you will enjoy it!

_ COLIN BRIDGERTON!!!!!! DON'T YOU DARE TO SEND ANOTHER LETTER LIKE THAT! MOM WAS THIS CLOSE TO HAVE A HEARTATTACK. _

_ SHAME ON YOU BROTHER.  _

_ … _

_ Okay, so, now that I've played the part of the indignant sister, can we talk about serious things? _

_ Daphne finally, (FINALLY, BROTHER. She was unbearable during these last two weeks of pregnancy. A constant lament, trust me. She has complained about everything, once even about the color of Fran's dress. Can you believe it?) gave birth to her fourth child. A daughter named Daisy. _

_ So now in our Bridgerton garden we have a violet, a hyacinth and a daisy. Lovely, isn't it? Unless you don't have a pollen allergy. _

_ Do you think we will ever have a lily too? I bet we will have one in less than 10 years. _

_ With love, _

_ El _

_ Ps: You know, I'm glad that I'm the sibling designated to be your war correspondent (ah, ah, ah). I can speak my mind freely, knowing you will never judge me. I hope for you it's the same. _

  
  


****************************

_ Dear Colin, _

_ Thank you so much for your letter. You cannot imagine the great amount of joy I felt when I received it. _

_ How are you, by the way? _

NO.

NO.

NONONONONONONONONO.

GOD PENELOPE YOU SOUND LIKE A DESPERATE YOUNG LADY IN LOVE.

Pen crumpled up the seventh paper of the day. She has received Colin's letter two days ago and still couldn't find a proper way to answer.

She sighed heavily, tired of her insecurity. 

She really was happy when she received the letter. She would have never hoped about it, not even in her most hidden dreams.

But here she was, Colin's letter in her hand. She felt tears in her eyes while remembering his words. The honest tone he used, how he spoke heart-to-heart. His own insecurities so clear in his words.

How was she supposed to answer? She couldn't use the same sharp tone of Eloise. It was a Brigerton's code, a secret language between siblings who share a real and profound bond.

She was just the girl next door.

Well, not exactly. She knew she was more to them, but now she's feeling that way.

"Problems, nurse Pen?" a throaty voice asked.

Seems like Grant was awake. He was one of the first soldiers to be brought to London military hospital, he had a terrible gangrene where they have cut his leg on the front. Finally, after weeks of coma, he was gradually recovering.

"Nothing serious, don't worry Grant. You should rest."

"It does look serious to me. A love letter? Someone is courting you?"

Pen laughed:"No, no. Nothing like that. It's just Colin" she said without thinking, not realising that the affection hidden in her words said more than enough to the young man.

"Oh, I see. Childhood friend, isn't he? Someone you really care about."

Pen nodded:"He is my best friend's older brother. We are friends too, you know".

"You say it as if you could not believe it yourself".

Pen shrugged:"He is just… so charming, so nice. So…"  _ handsome, no God Pen you can't say that to a patient _ :"So good with me. Sometimes it's just like...he is the only one who sees me,  _ really sees me _ , in a room full of other people. And I…"

"Love him" he said matter-of-factly. 

Pen sighed again:"Since forever actually."

"But that's not the point, isn't it? What bothers you?"

"He wrote me. Quite unexpectedly. He wrote me and he was so sincere, so honest. He spoke freely about everything, knowing that I would understand, that I wouldn't ask uncomfortable questions. And I don't know what to do. In books you never find a way to write to your love interest who is fighting against Nazis."

Grant laughed:"No. Books are useless sometimes."

"If you were me, what would you write to him? I don't know how to write to Lieutenant Bridgerton.I only know how to talk to Colin."

"That's the point, I suppose."

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

Grant sighed:"We are soldiers and we fight. We receive letters from home, and mothers want to know if their child is fine, siblings want to know the adventures of their brother, if they are war heros, how many men they killed. Wives… well, I don't know about wives. The fact is, we are only soldiers to them. They don't see it, don't understand it, but we notice it in their letters. We are no more Grant, Thomas, Philipp… even Colin. Everything has been reduced to them, the soldiers' family, and us, the soldiers. We need to find someone who reminds us of our humanity, our life before the war. Or we go mental. So, my advice, nurse Pen, is to write as if you're speaking to him in your living room, like you did a thousand times I think".

Pen smiled sweetly:"Thank you".

********************

_ Dearest Colin, _

_ Thank you for the book. I've already read my favourite ones.  _ Violets from Plug Street Wood  _ was the very first one I read (as you can imagine). _

_ I've brought it to the hospital and I read it a little bit when I can. It's… relaxing, you know? A way to escape reality.  _

_ Yeah, I know. Reading First World War poems is not exactly escaping reality, because we are actually at war, but I'm sure you understand the feeling. Escaping reality has become really important here at the hospital. The first weeks were the worst, we never had a moment to rest, sometimes we even hadn't the time to breath. But it was worth it, we were able to save more lives than want the doctors thought at the beginning. Now the situation is under control and we can rest. We can breath. _

_ I'm sorry, maybe I made you worried. Just know that I'm fine and my patients are recovering. _

_ You remember what you wrote about Paris? I understand it, Colin. It's something I see here too. I realised we were at war only when a bomb destroyed my favourite bookshop. You remember? The one with all that old tomes on the Regency era. _

_ We are touched by things only when they hit something we really care about. _

_ Colin, I must go now, but please promise me one thing. I know you can't promise to return "with two legs, two arms and twenty fingers" as El always says. Actually, you can't promise you will return, can you? I know this, I see it here at the hospital, I read it in the eyes of my patients. You can't control such things and war always has the last word. But, Colin, promise me that you will never lose your true self. Find a place in your mind where you can have peace, a refuge against all the terrible things you're experiencing. Find a solid anchor in the most restless sea. _

_ Yours,  _

_ Pen _

**************************

_ Dear war correspondent, _

_ As you see, the doctors were wrong and I'm still living. I'm sorry I caused troubles with Mama, I promise I will behave. _

_ Tell Daphne and Hastings that we made a toast with the finest bottle of french champagne to the newborn. _

_ (Honestly, sister, with their fervent coupling, and if they had twins, I bet that in ten years we will even have a Rose in our Bridgerton garden. And in 15 years maybe even a Tulip. God, how posh do these names sound. Lady Rose and Tulip Hastings, the future gems of the Ton. Do you think Hasting would effort all those children or he would declare bankruptcy?) _

_ Kiss Mama for me. _

_ Colin _

_ Ps: we're going to Netherlands so maybe you will have to wait longer for my next letter. Please, don't freak out while waiting. _

  
  


Eloise finished reading Colin's letter and everyone was smiling. Until Albert, Anthony's first child, asked:"How can they drink champagne if they are in war?"

Every single Bridgerton in the room froze. Thank God, Pen was there too.

"Well, Albert, they stole it from Germans of course."

Albert looked at her and said:"Do they have bon-bons too? Can he send us?"

Pen smiled tenderly:"You know your oncle Colin. He certainly has eaten all the bon-bons."

Albert nodded and continued playing with his toys. No one said a word, everyone lost in their thoughts. 

"He is right" Eloise whispered trying not to cry:"They can't effort it, they are at war".

Pen touched her hand:"You shouldn't think about these things. He is fine, that's the most important thing. You heard him, El. Don't freak out".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Violet from Plug Street Wood is a real war poem of WW I, written by Roland Leighton (it's really heartbreaking. You can find it easily on the net).
> 
> I know the baby Bridgertons name are not canon, but I liked them. Hope you don't mind the change.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Again, thank to all who wrote something nice about the story in the comments. Your words help me continuing writing.
> 
> Here a Colin centered chapter! Hope you like it!

_ Dearest Pen, _

_ One of my soldiers once said:"Soldiers' promises are empty promises". And I fervently believe it's true. I'm glad you understand it. _

_ You're right. I can't promise you anything, but the thing you asked me. I won't lose myself in this war.  _

_ It's something I promised myself when I left and I'm renewing this promise to you.  _

_ This war has already stolen a lot from us (family, youth, serenity). I won't let it steal my soul too. _

_ I'm sorry this letter is short, but I wanted to tell you this. _

_ Please, write me as soon as possible. Reading your letters helps me. _

_ Yours,  _

_ Colin _

******************

He was right. France was the easiest part.

Now in Netherlands, near Eindhoven, war was different.

Nonsense, was the right word. Generals wanted them to conquer and control five, FIVE, bridges, one after the other, in order to open a way to Germany.

As if Germans would let them.

_ Dear Brits, please. Make yourself at ease and do as you please. _

How naïve.

Operation Market Garden, that's how they called it. 

Even the name was nonsense to him.

The initial success made everyone euphoric.

_ We're going to be home for Christmas, lieutenant Bridgerton.  _

No, they won't.

The last bridge was fatal.

They're fighting against a whole company of SS, an organised, well-armed one, near Arnhem. He and a couple of his men were hiding in an abandoned farm, trying to kill the Germans at the other side of the field.

"There's a sniper, lieutenant" Tommy said.

Colin nodded:"At one o'clock"

"What do we do? We can't go forward or backward."

Colin closed his eyes.

_ Breath in. Breath out.  _

_ In. Out. _

"Give me the sniper's rifle, Tommy."

"But sir. We're not trained snipers. Fritz out there already killed ours."

Fritz. The way they called Germans.

Even this nickname was nonsense to him. They were humans, just like them. Sons, brothers, husbands. You can't disrespect them by calling them with that stupid nickname.

_ Breath in. Breath out. _

"Give me the sniper's rifle. It's an order".

He took it and positioned himself.

He remembered how Anthony taught him how to hunt. The patience, the precision.

_ You have to wait for the right moment, Colin. Don't rush it. _

With the sniper's rifle he could see better where the German was. He could see his rifle, but his hands and face were still hidden.

_ Breath in. Breath out. _

They're going to make a mistake, he said to himself. They think we're trapped.

_ Breath in. Breath out. _

He thought of that time when he was 15. When he went hunting with Anthony and Benedict, when he succeeded in shooting a flying pheasant with the first bullet.

It shouldn't be more difficult than that, he thought.

_ Breath in. Breath out. _

THERE. A nose coming into view.

_ Don't rush, Colin. _

_ Breath in. Breath out. _

"Come on" he whispered.

_ Breath in. Breath out. _

And then a cheekbone.

_ Now. _

He shot. And the sniper fell.

"GO DOWN" he said to his men.

Hits of machine guns arrived immediately. 

_ Breath in. Breath out. _

_ Breath in. Breath out. _

_ Breath in. Breath out. _

And then they stopped.

Colin looked again with the help of the sniper's rifle. There, another soldier in the same position.

A less meticulous one. It would have been easy to shoot again and kill him. 

_ Where the hell is the machine gun. _

He searched for it and found it at ten o'clock.

Three soldiers.

_ Breath in. Breath out. _

_ Breath in. Breath out. _

He shot, the target on the machine gun.

There. The explosion. The fire.

The remaining men of the SS unit ran out of the building, Chuck's men ready to kill them or to make them prisoners of war.

_ Breath in. Breath out. _

"That was amazing, lieutenant."

I killed at least four men. How can it be amazing?

Several minutes later he was sitting by the fire, a glass of whiskey in his hands.

Chuck came to him and said:"That would give you a promotion, you know? You will soon be Captain Bridgerton."

_ As if I give a damn about it _ .

************************

_ Dearest Pen, _

_ I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling. I'm at loss of words, would you believe it? Charming Colin (yes, I know the way you and El sometimes talk about me, but in the middle of the season in Mayfair was quite amusing) left wordless. I bet El was waiting this day to come. _

_ But I need to talk to you, because I know you're the only one who won't judge me. _

_ In this war I've already killed more men than what I like to admit. I know, there is a price to take if you go to war. The price is risking your life while you're killing the enemy. _

_ But Pen, one thing is to kill in the middle of a battle, another one is killing in cold blood. When my day will come, will God forgive me for what I did today? Will he forgive my actions? And I swear Pen I didn't do it freely, without remorse. It was their lives or ours, what else should I have done? _

_ Maybe you're not understanding now, so I have to tell you everything. _

_ We were on a mission. Operation Market Garden, that's how they called it. _

_ Montgomery wanted the control of five bridges, one after the other, in order to have a free corridor between Eindhoven and Arnhem and have access to Germany. _

_ It was too much, too hurried.  _

_ Too ambitious. _

_ We tried to go a bridge too far. _

_ They underestimated the enemy. Near the last bridge we met the SS, a special unit, with machine guns and snipers.  _

_ I was lucky enough to be on the right side of the battlefield. Just a couple of kilometers more in North direction, nearer to the last bridge, and they would have taken me as a prisoner of war. _

_ We were hidden in a farm, trying to return back to our camp. Germans' snipers in front of us. _

_ I took the rifle. I shot. I killed. _

_ It was their lives or ours.  _

_ But Pen. The cold Colin who shot with a sniper's rifle is not the Colin I am. Not the Colin I want to be. _

_ Does God know it? Does He see the reasons that brought me to that action? Do the lives I saved that day count more than the lives I broke? _

_ And...Pen, if I came back, would I still be Charming Colin to you? Or would you only see me as Colin the sniper? _

_ Please, be sincere. I trust only you.  _

_ Yours,  _

_ Colin _

*******************

After the Operation Market Garden they were sent to the rear to rest. It was there that Lieutenant Bridgerton became Captain Bridgerton. 

He wasn't sure he deserved the promotion. He had only killed the enemy. 

So now murder is something to be proud of? War rules are so different from the real world.

"Do you think we'll be home for Christmas, sir?" Tommy asked him.

Colin shook his head:"We're going to fight during winter".

Chuck groaned:"Terrible thing to do".

"At least it's not Russia" another soldier said.

"At least we're against Germans. Japanese are worse" continued another one. 

_ So apparently here is the lesser evil, _ Colin thought.

"I really had hoped to be home for Christmas. Wales is so beautiful during that time. I miss the landscape so much" said Tommy with a sigh. 

Chuck chuckled:"I envy you, Tommy. You still think home is a place".

"What else should it be?" 

"A person" Colin said.

Chuck nodded:"Life was easier when home was a place."

"The ache more bearable too" continued Colin:"But you're so young, Tommy. Maybe you don't understand it now, but one day you will".

They were silent for a while. Then Tommy asked:"Is there a Lady Bridgerton, Captain?"

Colin smirked:"There are several".

Chuck laughed:"So you are a rake, Colin Bridgerton?"

"No, of course not. But it's true. There is the Dowager Lady Bridgerton, who is my mother. The Viscountess Lady Bridgerton, who is my brother Anthony's wife. Sophie, Lady Benedict Bridgerton. And then the other Lady Bridgertons, my four sisters. Well, three actually. Daphne is a Duchess now. What you Tommy wanted to know is if there is a Lady Colin Bridgerton".

"And there is?" Chuck asked, still laughing.

"No" Colin paused:"Not yet. What about you, Tommy? Is there a girl in Wales waiting for you?"

Tommy smiled proudly:"Aisling Barnard. We grew up together".

Colin smiled nostalgically, but didn't say anything.

"Sir, a telegram for Captain Bridgerton" said a soldier coming into the room.

Colin took it, thinking it was an order for his company. 

It wasn't. It was from Pen.

_ Busy at the hospital. Stop. _

_ Wanted to tell you this. Stop. _

_ You will always be Charming Colin to me. Stop _

_ Or should I say Captain Charming Colin? _

For the first time since Eindhoven Colin Bridgerton laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "We tried to go a bridge too far" is Sir Sean Connery's last line in the movie "A bridge too far" that is set during the Operation Market Garden. I quote it because it explains the operation very well and why it was a failure.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry it took me soooo long to update, but I was busy at home. And then i wanted Colin to take part in the Battle of Bastogne, but I found out there were only American soldiers there, so I had to search for a battle where Americans and Brits fought togethet.
> 
> Hope you will like the chapter!

_ Dearest Colin, _

_ I'm sorry it took me so long to answer your letter, but these last days in the hospital have been as busy as back in June, after Normandy landing.  _

_ Plus, I was very worried about one of my patients, Grant. He is one of the first soldiers I took care of, he had a terrible gangrene where they cut his leg. He was recovering, but winter here is so cold (colder than that year when I was fourteen, when it started snowing in late October, do you remember? You said that snow was as tall as me and Eloise), and he'd got pneumonia. He seems stable, but I'm still worried. He is alone in this world, no one is waiting for him at home and I… I don't want him to feel left out during these hard days. You know the feeling, right? _

_ Colin, let me be totally honest with you. I'm so relieved that you survived that terrible day, the one you wrote me about in your last letter. While reading it, I felt as if I was there with you, feeling the tension, the pressure. For what I know about war (and I don't pretend to know more than you, who are there at the front), you did the right thing. It's true, it was your lives or theirs. You did what you had to do.  _

_ I think God knows that too. I'm not that religious, but I can assure you: God knows your heart better than anyone, He knows what brought you to that decision. He won't close His doors to you for that. I've always believed that God is kinder than what the Church wants us to think.  _

_ Oh, I almost forgot. Did Eloise write you? She is with me at the hospital now, she is one of the newest nurses. She is a shy nurse, still embarrassed sometimes (can you imagine it? ELOISE. Shy and embarrassed when she has to visit and wash a soldier. I tried not to laugh at her silly grimaces during her first day), but she cheers the soldiers up and everyone here loves her. She writes letters for them and when they are moody she tells them stories of your family or about the ton. It's easier to work now that she is here. I hope you have a friend on the battlefield too. It pains me to think you're there all alone. _

_ I need to go now, I'm sorry. _

_ I send you these socks and gloves that we made at the hospital for the soldiers. Grant had told me that soldiers always suffer the cold at the front.  _

_ Remember to always move your fingers a little bit (as if you're playing a piano) when you are in trenches. If you can't play Mozart, you risk hypothermia. Please, Colin. I'm talking as a nurse and as your friend. Check your fingers while in trenches. _

_ Yours,  _

_ Pen _

_ Ps: You can be Captain Bridgerton, but I'm Head Nurse now. I think we have the same rank, right? _

******************

They had moved to Belgium. Battle of Bulge, that's how they called it.

Patton and his men were under siege in Bastogne, where the land was flat and where it was easy to be hit by a fallen tree during Germans bombing.

He was in Ciney, fighting during the very Christmas Day. It was tough, but Operation Market Garden had been worse.

At least, from his point of view. It was as if Market Garden had been a turning point and life after that will never be the same again. No fighting will be as rough, cruel and violent.

Fortunately, Chuck felt the same. He felt consolation, knowing that he wasn't the only one feeling the same thing. Now he understands why Eloise cherishes so much her friendship with Pen.

Ciney was tough, but after four days of fighting in the snow, the Germans were defeated and now they could head to Germany.

The higher levels of power were so glad of this success that they gave order to give an extra ration of whiskey to the soldiers.

Colin set by the fire, the whiskey in one hand, a photograph in the other.

"Your family?" asked Chuck. 

Colin blinked. He didn't realise he was there. He gave him the photograph and said:"The one on the right is my sister Eloise. She is a nurse at London military hospital."

"I didn't know she was".

"Me either. I found it out today reading the correspondences".

"Who is the other girl?"

"Pen" he only said. As if her name was enough, as if anyone would understand who she was to him by only hearing her name.

"Pen" Chuck replied:"A dear friend?"

_ The dearest. _

Colin nodded.

"The one you write long letters to, I guess?"

_ The longest. _

An other nod.

"Are you going to tell her?" Chuck asked, giving him back the photograph.

_ No. Not if I can't come back. _

"Tell her what?" Colin asked innocently.

"You're smarter than that, Bridgerton".

"No".

"She deserves to know. If war taught me something is that we should say everything we wish to say before it's too late. We could die tomorrow, I don't want to die with regrets."

"I can't do that to her."

Chuck raised an eyebrow:"I don't understand".

Colin sighed:"We have known each other since she was a toddler. She and Eloise were inseparable from the cradle. She is part of the family and…"

_ She has loved me since I can remember. _

But he didn't say that. Instead:"She deserves better".

"Better than you?"

"No. Yes. Well, no, of course not. I mean…" he sighed again heavily. 

The other man chuckled:"I can't believe this morning we were killing Nazis and now we're talking about your love life".

Colin snorted:"I… I can't do that to her. She is the kindest girl I know and… And she has had these strong feelings for me for ages, waiting in the shadows, never asking for something in return. I can't write to her that finally I reciprocate her feelings without being one billion percent sure that I will come back and tell it to her face."

Chuck smiled nostalgically:"I know the feeling. It's the same reason why I didn't want to marry Claire before leaving for war. I didn't want her to be a widow of war."

Colin nodded and they remained silent for a while.

"When did you realise?" Chuck asked.

Colin's eyes were still focused on the photograph:"The day I left for training camp".

Chuck snorted:"Bad timing".

"Terrible timing. But…"

"Yes?"

"The feeling has always been there. I don't know when or where or how. It was something that has grown up with me until I wasn't able to deny it anymore."

Chuck smiled:"I realised I was in love with Claire when I saw her dancing with another man. I've never wanted to punch someone so much in my life".

"Pen was the only one who understood".

"Why you wanted to join the army?"

Colin nodded:"My family was… I don't know. I think they were worried and they freaked out when they heard the news. I thought that at least they would try to understand but no. My brother Anthony took it personally, he said, no  _ yelled _ , that I was doing it because I was a reckless spoiled child in search of attention. When I left for training camp I was 28 and he still considered me a child. And my other siblings… not quite supportive, let's say that. Daphne said that I should stab my mother's heart before leaving, so that she won't live till the day the news of my death reached her".

Chuck laughed:"How melodramatic".

"Pen on the contrary… she was so silent. Generally when we are together we talk a lot, always fighting for having the last word on a topic. She stayed still that day and when we were left alone she said so softly:' _ If you think this is something you have to do, then you should do it'.  _ She has always been better with words than me. And then, the day I left, I looked at her, a reassuring smile on her face even if she wanted to cry so badly and I realised it." 

Chuck smiled:"You seem very fond of her".

Colin sighed:"Sometimes she is the only one I can think of. You know the poem  _ Tomorrow in the Battle Think on me _ ?"

"I'm afraid not".

"It was my father's favourite. A war poem from WWI. He recited it every Remembrance Day, he said he felt the same while fighting, thinking of mother. It's a poem about a woman writing a letter to her husband saying to him that whenever he feels lost he has to think of her and he will find the courage to go on. Father said that he thought of mother during his toughest days. I do the same with Pen.".

"And here I thought you were a rake. You're really romantic, Captain Bridgerton".

Colin smiled, his thumb caressing Pen's figure in the photograph.

*************

_ Dear Head Nurse Featherington, _

_ I've never been good at playing Mozart, but I still have all my fingers. _

_ Thank you for the socks and gloves, they're keeping me warm. Next time could you send some biscuits too? I'm hungry (Well, I always am, but still…). _

_ We're resting now for a couple of weeks and then we will head to Germany, following the Rhine. _

_ It seems strange to be so close to the goal after all that had happened. We landed six months ago, but it feels like it was six years ago. The men are so tired, Pen. We fought during Christmas, and the very Christmas Day was the toughest day of fighting. Their mood is so depressing. They really thought to be home for Christmas. I didn't know what to say to cheer them up a little bit, unlike Eloise with your patients. _

_ And then, someone started talking about his favourite Christmas at home and one by one everybody shared a memory. Tommy talked about last Christmas, when he was home with his fiancée and they promised to love each other forever. Lovebirds, right? _

_ I told them about the Christmas we spent together because your sisters got chickenpox and your mother didn't want you to get it too. You were… fifteen, weren't you? That year Eloise obliged us to recreate A Christmas Carol for Mother. Anthony played Scrooge and I played Scrooge's nephew. Ben was Scrooge's employee, right? Eloise was the Ghost of Christmas Future (she has always had this dramatic attitude), while you were the one of Christmas Present. Eloise wanted us to stay faithful to the novel, remember? But then Anthony asked which Ghost Lady Danbury would be, and Ben said:'Well, the Future one of course'. But you, YOU THE KIND LITTLE PEN, said that due to her age she would be a perfect Ghost of Christmas Past. And I said that due to her age she surely had met Charles Dickens and inspired him as Ghost of Christmas Future. And after that everything was just laughing and grinning. Eloise was so furious. _

_ We always had a lot of fun together. _

_ Yours, _

_ Colin _

_ Ps: remember to send the biscuits, please? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow in the Battle Think on me is not a poem. Is the title of one of Javier Marias' book, but I found the title so touching that I used it as a poem and as a title for my own ff. It's the kind of title that makes you think of lovers who are apart because of war, just like Pen and Colin, right?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are with a new chapter! It's longer than what I planned, but I really wanted Colin to come back home.
> 
> Again, thank you all for the kind words I received.
> 
> Enjoy!

_ Dearest brother, _

_ I believe Pen already told you the news. I'm a nurse!!! Everyone at home was so shocked when I said it. I don't know why, really. I'm really good at taking care of others (even if Ben said that when I was six I totally forgot to give food to my goldfish and it died after three days, but I don't remember such a thing, and you? If I don't remember it never happened). I'm also very kind, right? RIGHT? _

_ Anyway, Anthony asked me why I did it. He is so obsessed with whys, you know? (Well, of course you know. He did the same thing with you before you left). I said that I missed spending time with Pen and he gave in. _

_ But the truth Colin is that… I needed to do something. I felt so useless, without a cause. And I hated that feeling. I see Pen (SHE IS HEAD NURSE COLIN. HEAD NURSE. LITTLE SHY PEN HEAD NURSE!!!!!! GIVING ORDERS TO THE OTHER NURSES!!!!! You should see her with Doctor Blight, he is an idiot, and she bosses him around. She is amazing) and she is so focused, so sure and determined. I wanted to feel that determination too. _

_ I'm not as good as her. I'm always scared. Scared to hurt those poor boys, scared to do the wrong thing, to cause them pain if I'm too clumsy. Scared to say the wrong thing too. I don't know how Pen does it. She always knows what to do, what to say. _

_ I became a nurse because I wanted to feel useful, but I only feel more useless than before.  _

_ Forgive my terrible mood, brother. I miss you around a lot. Christmas was depressing without you. I just wish this war would end soon.  _

_ Yours, _

_ El _

*********************

_ Dearest El, _

_ You don't have to worry. I'm sure you're doing incredible things too, you're just too scared to see them too.  _

_ Don't be shy or scared with the soldiers. You, and the other nurses, are the only ones who are taking care of them, you're their family now, you understand? They will cherish every single thing you will do and every single word you will say because you're helping them in their darkest days. _

_ Treat them kindly and they won't care if the bandage is perfectly done. _

_ Just be yourself. You're more than a sharp tongue and clumsiness.  _

_ Yours, _

_ Colin  _

_ Ps: Tell Benedict that HE was the one to starve that little innocent goldfish. Papa swore never to buy us another pet after that. _

********************

Pen was used to have more than one Bridgerton around her. She was used to their wit (the sharpest were El's and Hyacinth's, while Colin's and Benedict's were more subtle) and she was used to their melodrama (Daphne was the queen of it). She knew them more than her own family, really. 

But still, she gets nervous when Anthony was around. She doesn't know if it was because he was practically a father figure for all of them or if it was because he was so serious and stoic. She just gets nervous. It doesn't help the fact that he always looks at anyone so intensely that it seems he could read one's deepest thoughts.

"Miss Featherington, good morning" he said, very kindly:"I'm sorry to disturb you while you're at the hospital".

"Mr Bridgerton" she said, her voice merely a whisper:"Don't worry, today is a quiet day. Would you join me? I'm going to bring tea to the soldiers."

"Gadly".

They were silent for a while. Pen knew he wanted to know something, something related to Colin or Eloise. It didn't escape her that he came when he knew Eloise wasn't around. She ended her shift two hours before.

"I assume my brother writes to you" he said very slowly.

"He does" she simply replied. He doesn't need to know that sometimes Colin writes more to her than to his own family. She knew it, because sometimes she received two letters in a week, while Eloise only one every fortnight. It was Colin's business, she thought. He is grown up enough to decide what and how much to write to his family. 

Anthony sighed:"Is he fine?"

"I...beg your pardon?"

"Colin's letters are a joy to read, really. He is always Charming Colin. It seems as if he is back travelling and not at war. If I were at war, I would do the same, because I couldn't bear the thought of my family worrying for me. But I would write to Kate and open to her my mind and my heart".

_ I'm not Colin's wife. _

"Oh, I know that look, Penelope. You should know by now that Colin holds you dear. You do have a special place in his heart".

She stayed still, not knowing what to say. She knew,  _ she knew, _ that Colin considered her his best friend. She knew he felt like he could talk about everything with her. She never,  _ never _ , wanted to read too much in his words or actions. Never let her hope he will feel the same. His last letters though… 

_ I trust only you.  _

_ Only you. _

"I think he is fine" she said:"I mean...better than what I thought he would be. His mind is the strongest mind I've ever seen. The things he experienced… and yet he is always the same. He will always be Charming Colin".

"There is a but in your words, Penelope".

"He won't accept some...I don't know how to say it politely."

"Just speak your mind. I won't get mad".

Pen looked Anthony right in his eyes and said:"He won't let you, or your siblings or even your mother, treat him like a child again. He will always be Charming Colin, but a more mature one. I feel it in his letters".

_ Will God forgive me for what I did today? _

"That's what I thought too. I was afraid he would come back broken like father".

Pen shook her head:"Not Colin".

********************

Germany was supposed to be like a promenade. It wasn't.

Teenagers were recruited by the SS. The  _ Hitlerjugendsdivision.  _ When Colin first saw these children fighting against grown men, he felt sick. They were supposed to free this land from Nazis, and yet Germans were so blind to follow every single stupid order of that mad man.

Orders that said schoolboys were allowed to hold machine guns.

He thought of his nephew Albert, playing with tin soldiers, and just imaging him holding a rifle made him want to scream in terror.

He hated every single day passed on german soil. He saw nothing but destruction around him. A terrible sight for someone who has visited Germany so much as him.

The moral bombing of General Harris ( _ THE BUTCHER  _ how soldiers called him) had been useless. Harris wanted to stir insurrection among the Germans, but nothing came. The only result was death, ashes, destruction and rubble.

Colin decided to just go on, go forward and try to ignore the ashes and deaths around him.

_ Pen. _

The only thought that helps him, that keeps him sane.

_ Pen. _

They arrived in Cologne and nothing was as he remembered. 

_ Pen. _

He didn't search for the little Cafè he had discovered once, where he ate the sweetest and perfect Schwarzwaldtorte.

_ Pen. _

They heard the Russians were near Berlin and finally they believed in the end of the war.

_ Pen. _

On the last day of April they heard that Hitler had committed suicide.

"Captain, is the war over now?"

"No" he said:"The war will end with Germany's capitulation."

_ Pen. _

On the 7th of May Jodl signed Germany's capitulation.

_ Pen. Pen. Pen. _

"Captain, can we go home now?"

"Not yet. We still have things to do."

_ Pen. Pen. Pen. Pen. Pen. Pen. _

On the 7th of July, two months after the end of the war, Major Bridgerton was allowed to come home.

*******************

_ Pen. _

It was a sunny and hot day. Very hot considering London's standards.

_ Pen. _

King's Cross station was not as empty as he imagined. A lot of soldiers were coming home and there was a huge crowd of parents, siblings and other relatives.

_ Pen. _

He got out of the train and immediately was hugged by his mother.

"Oh Colin! My child, my loving child".

"I'm happy to see you too, Mother".

_ Pen. Pen. Pen. _

Eloise hugged him too. So tightly he thought he couldn't breathe again. 

"I missed you so much" El whispered:"Save me from our crazy family".

_ Pen. Pen. Pen. _

"El, I can't breathe"

"Ooohh, sorry, sorry Colin."

"It's good to have you back, Captain Colin" his brother Anthony said.

"It's Major Colin now".

_ Pen. _

His nephew Albert hugged one of his legs, his niece Amelia the other one.

"Guys, really. I won't go anywhere, you can leave me."

_ Pen. _

"We are just very happy to have you back, Colin" Simon said, as to excuse his daughter's behaviour.

_ Pen _ .

He wanted to reply.

But then...there she was.

His body sensed her before his eyes could see her. 

He turned his head to the left and immediately found her in the crowd.

_ Pen. Pen. Pen. Pen. Pen. Pen. _

His feet moved before he could say a stupid excuse to his family.

_ Pen. _

He took off the uniform's hat ( _ A real gentleman doesn't wear a hat in front of a lady,  _ his father said once) and tried not to run to her.

_ Pen. _

She was waiting, very still, a warm smile on the lips.

_ Pen. Pen. Pen. Pen.  _

He hugged her, tightly. Tighter than how Eloise had hugged him just moments ago. 

_ Pen. Pen.  _

"I'm home" he whispered in her ear.

_ Pen. _

That's when she started crying. Tears of joy.

_ Pen. _

For the first time since he left for training camp Colin Bridgerton was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I missed writing El's letters, really. And I loved writing Colin's answer. I wanted it to be clear, that he matured in war. That he is always Charming Colin, but a better version of it.  
> I had some struggle writing the Pen and Anthony's confrontation. This is the besr version I wrote. Anthony is worried, because he remembers how broken his father was after WWI, he doesn't want Colin to feel the same.
> 
> For the love of History: General Arthur Harris was really called the butcher among the army. His desire for revenge against Germans and how sistematically cruel was his moral bombing plan were famous.  
> Cities like Cologne and Dresden were destroyed (90% of buildings, not only houses, but churches, museums, pieces of the cities' history). For someone like Colin who loves travelling, it was heartbreaking.
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for all the kind and nice comments on chapter six. I was soo overwhelmed by your words, they really warmed my heart.
> 
> So, here an other chapter. A lot of things happen, and probably it's too much for just one chapter, but I relly wanted it to end with this final scene.
> 
> Hope you would like it.

It was strange, being home again. Everything in Number Five was… well,  _ loud _ . He sort of missed the quiet silence that there was at war. Of course, on the battlefield nothing was silent and even when they weren't fighting, there was always this background noise of gunfire, but among his men, there was silence. A welcome silence, the one that creates a sense of community.

Now at home his family's chatting was, if not unbearable, uncomfortable.

Because they wanted to know.  _ Wanted to know everything _ . Even things he didn't want to share, to remember again.

"So, Colin" Hyacinth started again during breakfast:"You never told us how you became Major"

" _ Hyacinth" _ said Eloise:"Forget about it".

"Why? It's such an honour! He is  _ MAJOR _ " his other sister screamed:"I want to show off how much he was incredible in war during next season".

_ I wasn't incredible. I just did what I had to. _

"What can I say, Hyacinth?" he tried to sound like the usual Colin:"I used my famous charm to obtain the promotion".

" _ BULLSHIT"  _ she cursed:"Tell me. Or I will ask Penelope. I bet she knows".

Colin's green eyes became as hard as iron:"I've already told you. It was the kind of promotion the army gives you when you're taking formal leave from it."

Eloise noticed his complete change of mood and said:"Colin, I need to go to the hospital. Do you want to walk with me?"

Colin sighed, relieved he could escape:"Gladly, El".

**************************

Everybody was strange too. His mother was practically trying to over-feed him.

"You look so thin, Colin. So skinny".

He didn't actually, but he didn't complain. It would have been worse if she had started talking about marriage and settling down with someone. 

Anthony and Benedict always looked at him as if they were expecting him to break down in tears.

_ He wouldn't. He is much stronger than they think he is. _

And God, his sisters. Even his sisters-in-law. They always hugged him, always checking if he was really there with them.

"Girls, really. I'm not going anywhere. You can leave me now".

Even his nephews and nieces hugged him a lot. And they argued for which one of them should play with him.

"You don't have to argue. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here, I have all the time in the world to play with all of you".

It seemed to be back on the front, where he had to be the stronger one, because he was Captain Bridgerton and every single member of his company depended on him. His family needed him to reassure them just like his men did after Market Garden. 

Eloise was the one who needed it the most. And it was a strange feeling, because Eloise has always been strong.

But now she spends as much time as she can with him, enjoying his company even if they don't talk much. Just being there with him is enough for her.

Until one night, when he was laying on the floor trying to catch some sleep and she knocked at his bedroom's door.

"Colin? What are you doing on the floor?"

_ Trying to sleep because I'm no longer used to sleeping on a pillowy mattress with silk sheets. _

"Nothing. Some gymnastic exercise. Old soldier habit. You need something?"

She is shy at first ( _ ELOISE. SHY. OH MY GOD)  _ and then asked:"May I sleep here with you? Like when we were children and I was scared of thunder".

He nodded, even if he knew he could not sleep in that bed.

She hugged him tightly, like the day when he finally came back home. They were quiet for a while, until he heard a strange sound outside his door.

He sighed:"Fran, come in. There is enough space for you too".

His other sister ran inside, hugging him as tight as Eloise. It was as if they wanted to anchor him home.

"You two know that I'm not going anywhere, don't you?"

"You say it now" Fran said.

"Yeah. Then you will go back travelling" Eloise continued.

Colin shook his head:"I won't" and his tone was sincere and firm, the same tone he used with his men. The kind of tone Anthony has as head of the family.

It became a routine, he and his sisters sleeping (well, THEY DID, he could not) in his bed. 

The only person who was normal was Pen. Dear, gently Pen. Always smiling, always understanding.

Actually, sometimes she is strange too. Especially when he says or does something that surprises her. Just like now, when he changed the tea cup his mother had prepared for her with his.

She is frowning, a question in her eyes.

"What is it?" he asked:"You prefer it without milk, don't you?"

"You...remembered? How?"

_ I remember everything. _

Colin shrugged:"I just do".

*************************

Colin liked being at the hospital with Pen and Eloise. He felt comfortable, accepted. He liked watching Pen checking soldier after soldier. Eloise was right, she was so focused and determined, as if she was born to be head nurse. He was so proud of her. And of Eloise of course.

He was sitting next to one of El's patients. His name was Will, he had terrible burns along his right side, from the shoulder to the tight. El had to clean the burns and change the bandages every twelve hours. William told him that Eloise was the only nurse who doesn't rush while doing it, the pain more bearable when she was the one to do it.

Colin tried to distract him, talking about his travels. He liked this routine, helping soldiers he never met with the thing he was really good at: talk.

"Best place you've been?" William asked, his voice broken by pain.

Colin thought about it for a while:"Greece, I think. But I loved Italy too. Especially the food."

Eloise laughed:"Will knows how famous your appetite is".

"Is that so? You had fun about me while I was away?"

Eloise smiled:"Just a little bit. But you know you're my favourite brother. Okay, Will. I finished. Hope it wasn't too painful."

"Every time is better than the last one".

"I told you, El" Colin's green eyes full of pride:"You're more than a sharp tongue and clumsiness".

**********************

The thing he loves the most is being next to Pen, the closer he can get. That's why he feels like glue now at his mother's party, because he doesn't intend to leave her side. She radiates calm and peace. He is cuddled by the feeling and he realised that when she is around he feels more like himself, more like the Charming Colin he was and not like Major Colin, the soldier he knows he still is.

They talked as they were used to, joking about the Ton, hiding their true feelings for one another with irony.

And then suddenly Colin froze. Hyacinth and Felicity, Pen's younger sister, were approaching. He felt a bitter taste in his mouth and he just wanted to scream.

"Pen" he whispered:"Can you fake an illness?"

"I...what?"

" _ Please _ . Nothing serious. Just something that will give us an excuse to escape".

Pen looked in front of her, where his oh so green eyes were focused and she realised what he needed.

"You want to beat a retreat?"

Colin nodded:"Hyacinth is obsessed with discovering how I became a Major."

Oh.

_ Oh. Oh no. _

"It's hot in here, isn't it? I think I need fresh air".

_ Good God, thank you _ .

He guided her outside, to the rose-garden.

They were silent for a while, until he smiled sweetly:"When you and Eloise were seven, you painted red some of mother's white roses. Anthony forbade you two to read  _ Alice's adventures in Wonderland _ again".

Pen frowned, but her smile was warm:"How can you remember such a thing?"

_ I remember everything. _

Colin shrugged:"I just do".

They remained quiet after that, there was no need to talk, to fill the silence between them. 

Colin felt peaceful.

Until the day he exploded.

************************

Colin was trying hard not to scream. He knew he had a temper, knew that sometimes he overreacted, but in war he had learnt to control himself. When you're a military officer and you are in charge, you can't explode. You have to stay calm and be unflappable. When the life of fifty men depends on the example you give, you learn to behave.

But everything he had learnt in war became vane with his family. Especially when Hyacinth e Daphne joined forces to know something related to war.

The worst thing was that Pen wasn't there. He wanted to scream and Pen wasn't there.

"Come on, Colin. Tell us everything!" Daphne said:"It couldn't be that terrible!"

_ You have no idea… _

"Why are you two so obsessed with it? I fought, I got a couple of promotions and I came back."

"You know we love details!" Hyacinth said:"I want to tell them in front of Cressida's face".

"It's not something you should show off".

"We won't get shocked if you tell us. You will always be Charming Colin to us!"

_ That's the problem. I'm no longer Charming Colin. Or, better, I'm not only that. _

"Yeah, exactly! And we won't faint if you start talking about blood. Is it something splatter?! That's why you don't want to tell us?"

_ Hyacinth, just stop it.  _

"Come on! Tell us!"

"It's not something I like to share."

"Oh but with Pen you did. Felicity told me you wrote to her" Hyacinth's tone was as bitter as lemon.

Colin's green eyes were as hard as stone now:"And what exactly is your point? That I couldn't write to her? That she is not worth sharing a secret with me?"

_ He wanted to scream. Pen wasn't there and he wanted to scream. _

Colin's voice started raising and Daphne didn't want them to fight:"No, Colin. Of course not. We only find it unfair that you didn't tell us".

"You will never understand".

"Well, try us! We will always be proud of you, no matter what you did!" Hyacinth insisted.

_ But it matters. _

"They were only Nazis, Colin. I bet they deserved it."

Now he screamed.

"You have no idea. You don't know what you're speaking! What I did, what I was forced to do, it's not something to be proud of. I saved my men, but at what cost? I have blood on my hands and you can't generalize everything.  _ There were Nazis so they deserved it _ . You talk like a child. War was more complicated than that. There wasn't just black or white. We were no heroes, we just did what we thought was right."

And then he left the room.

Anthony found him sitting on the swing. He was smoking, holding the cigarette with his thumb and index, using his palm to hide it.

_ Soldier's smoke _ , his Papa once told him,  _ you have no idea how bright the light of the cigarette is at night between trenches. A sniper can easily kill you.  _

He set on the swing next to him:"I didn't know you smoke".

"I don't even like it. But it helps when you're nervous", Colin sighed and then added:"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at her".

"Hyacinth is a spoiled child. She shouldn't have insisted too much. You don't want to remember it. I understand that."

They stayed silent for ages and then Colin said:"When I was in Germany…" he swallowed then said:"It's something that I've said only to Pen. It's not something I like thinking of."

Anthony nodded:"You don't have to explain anything to me".

Colin swallowed again, the same bitter taste in his mouth:"We fought against children, Anthony. Boys just a couple of years younger than Gregory. Some of them were even younger. They were so focused on defending their land...they would have done everything the Führer wanted them to do. I found one...he was fourteen, holding a sniper rifle. He didn't know how to use it and yet he was so proud of holding it. When we freed Koblenz, in the middle of the fight we killed even the youngest soldiers. A woman shouted at us, saying we were the real monsters.  _ We were the monsters. _ Not Hitler, the one who allowed them to hold a rifle at 14 but not allowed them to smoke or drink alcohol. We went there to free them, but how can you free someone who is so blind?"

Anthony wiped away a tear. He didn't realise he was crying:"It's over, Colin. You're home now."

_ It will never be over. _

*************************

Colin sighed relieved. When Eloise and Fran don't sleep with him, he goes to the hospital, to Pen, laying by her side in her bed. She had a room there, as Head Nurse she has to be available at any hour. 

He had never experienced something so intimate as just laying by each other's side in bed, knowing if the other was awake or asleep only by their breath. 

The first time it was… odd. He was so tired and his head ached so much that he couldn't even talk. She brought him there, treating him like a patient, and then he said:"Stay", and she did.

The second time was odd too, because Pen really needed to sleep (he didn't) and he just layed there, watching her sleep. 

The third time they layed side by side, he on his back, she on her side, her face facing him and he finally had a few hours of sleep, dreamless and calm sleep.

Now, both of them were awake but they pretended to rest.

"I can give you some pills, you know" Pen said:"You really need to sleep".

"No" he said:"They tried to give me some at the front. Didn't like the feeling. I felt numb after, as if there was fog in my head."

Pen nodded:"Still, you need to rest".

"I do here. It's peaceful here with you."

"Eloise told me sometimes she sleeps with you, like when you were children. You can't rest with her?"

"Don't tell her, but she snores terribly. Louder than a tank".

Pen laughed and he smiled. He is more himself with her.

"Pen. Do you remember when you were seventeen and Daphne married Hastings? You said that when someone is in love, someone should declare it. Fervently, assuredly, loudly. Do you still think that?"

"You…What…" she blushed. He loves seeing her blushing, loves knowing he is the cause of that blush.

"How can you remember such a thing?"

_ I remember everything. _

"Do you still think so?"

"How, Colin?"

_ I remember everything.  _

He sighed:"I remember everything, Pen" his voice barely a whisper.

Her blush became redder:"I… Well, I do think so. But at the same time I don't."

"What do you mean?"

"War taught me how short our time on earth is. And… when you have feelings, you should just say it how it comes and not regret anything. The perfect declaration can come after, don't you think?"

His green eyes were focused on her, his gaze full of something she didn't dare to analyse. His left hand raised and caressed her cheek.

"I love you" he whispered, so softly that she thought she didn't hear him correctly.

"Colin…"

"I do. I really do" he said:"You know I do".

She does. Colin never lies.

He sighed and said:"You were the reason".

"What?"

"The reason to come back. During the hardest moments I held on the thought of you. Some days you were the only thing I could think of. I swore to myself that I had to come back to tell you that I love you".

She moved closer to him, her head resting on his chest, near his heart:"I love you too. But I bet you already knew it."

He chuckled:"Still, I love hearing you say it".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Generally, we think that after the war everything came back to normal. It could't be like this, because soldiers couldn't forget what they did, what they saw (especially the ones who freed the concentration camps). This is why Colin tries to be Charming Colin again, but couldn't. This is why he explodes (the line "the soldier he knows he still is" says a lot about his fellings).  
> His family is proud of him, but it shows it in the wrong way. They want to know in order to show better their pride, but Colin doesn't want to remember, it's too painful. Plus, he is not proud. of what he did. He feels guilty, because he had to kill children (children that were the enemy's rapresentation in that specific moment) and he feels even more guilty because what he did had led to his promotion. 
> 
> I know, the love confession is not perfect. But Colin doesn't whant to waste another day without Pen knowing his true feelings, so he just says it, plain and simple. The line "I remember everything" says more than what he really spoke (I don't own the "I remember everything" line. It's one of Pacey and Joy lines in the third season of Dawson's Creek and it's so powerful, so full of meaning, as it is for Colin and Pen).
> 
> For the love of History: it's true that children were allowed to hold guns, but weren't allowed to smoke or drink alcohol. The geral rule in german army was that you couldn't smoke or drink till you were 21 years old. Once I read that even the highest military officers and members of SS couldn't drink a drop of alcohol in front of Hitler. Nonsense, right?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for your kind words on chapter 7! I didn't have the time to reply to you, I'm sorry!^^"
> 
> Here's chapter 8. I wrote it 4 times before being completely sure about it. I always felt the charaxters were a little bit... out of character? Hope this version does not give you this impression.
> 
> Enjoy!

Colin found a new routine. He spends most of his nights with Pen (they just sleep or do pillow talk, nothing more, but it's still the most intimate thing he has ever done with a woman), but he still sleeps a couple of nights at home. For Eloise. She still comes to his room, falling asleep while hugging him.

"I'm worried about Eloise" he said one night.

Pen chuckled:"And she is worried about you. I really envy this. With my sisters has never been like this. Well, with Felicity is better, but we cannot compare with the Bridgerton siblings."

Colin caressed her cheek (he does it a lot, he realised. He cannot stay too much without caressing her, squeezing her hand, touching her gently):"You  _ are  _ part of the Bridgertons. You will always be."

Pen smiled tenderly and then asked:"Why are you worried about her?"

Colin sighed:"She has always been the strongest. The sharpest tongue, the strongest will. Now I look at her and she seems so fragile. I don't know what happened to her."

Pen sighed too:" _ War _ happened to her. She realised that reality was nothing compared to what she had read in books. She really thought that you could decide to turn back with "two arms, two legs and twenty fingers", really thought you could avoid being wounded. Then she came here and saw what war really does to men. I remember her astonished face when we had to amputate a soldier's leg up to his thigh. She panicked, asking me between tears who would take care of you at the front if we were here. After Christmas she really thought you would never come back. When you finally wrote you were coming back, she burst into tears. She really thought she would never see you again. That's why she spends so much time with you and why she's afraid you will travel again. You should… reassure her."

They were silent after that. Until Colin asked:"Did you think that too? That I will never come back?"

Pen shook her head, trying not to cry:"My greatest fear was to arrive at the hospital and finding you there without a leg or something like that. I know you would have hated it, living as a burden for your family".

Colin continued caressing her cheek. It was a relieve, he thought, having someone who knows you so much. Sometimes he even thinks she knows him better than himself.

"I was. Wounded I mean".

She raised her head from the pillow:"When? How?"

Colin shook his head:"It was nothing. Just a scratch".

"Colin!" her tone was demanding. She needed explanations.

He sighed:"I swear, it was just a scratch. It happened before Belgium. A bullet grazed me. Here" he said, taking off his shirt. There was a pale scar just a couple of inches over his liver:"They said I was lucky. And here, in Germany" another scar just over his clavicle:"See? Nothing serious."

"You really were lucky".

Colin smirked, the same smirk he used to do when they gossiped about the Ton at balls:"I had the best guardian angels a soldier could ask for. You and Eloise of course."

*******************

The war ended six months ago and every english soldier who took part in it was invited to Lady Danbury's Great Ball.

Colin felt uncomfortable in his uniform. He swore never wearing it again.  _ But you just can't say no to Lady Danbury.  _

Fortunately, Pen was there too. He felt peace next to her. Everywhere she is, there is peace.

"You should stop" Pen said. He didn't realise he was drumming his foot on the floor.

"Sorry. I'm suffocating here and I hate this uniform…"

Pen knew he was exaggerating. Colin always does it when he doesn't feel at ease, when he is nervous. She couldn't tell why he was, to be honest. It was just a party, they have been to thousands of that. But if he was uncomfortable, she should try to distract him.

"It's really a shame," Pen said, her tone light:"You really look good in that uniform".

Colin smirked:"Look good? Just that?"

He was teasing her and Pen smiled tenderly. He was Charming Colin again.

"Actually, you're really handsome. But I bet it's the charm of the uniform."

He chuckled:"Little Pen keen on military uniforms. I would have never bet on it".

_ It's you. Not the uniform. _

"You suggest I should wear it more often, Pen?"

_ Such a tease _ .

"I thought you said you didn't like it?"

"I can make an exception for you".

_ There. Charming Colin again.  _

"I…"

They were interrupted.

"MAJOR COLIN BRIDGERTON!!!"

Colin's face became paler and then redder:"Don't leave me alone with him".

"What is it? Why are you panicking?"

"Just promise. Don't leave me alone with him".

"You're exaggerating."

"I'll pay you".

Pen laughed. They have already had a conversation like that, because of Lady Danbury. 

"BRIDGERTON" a man with a long white beard screamed:"I've been looking for you the entire evening. Were you avoiding me?"

Colin stood at attention:"No, Sir. Of course not, Sir".

"God, Bridgerton. You're always so formal. YOU ARE MAJOR, and you still treat me like when you arrived at training camp. Ah, but I see. You had company. Nice to meet you, Ma'am".

Pen blushed. She wasn't used to being treated like that:"Nice to meet you too, Sir…?"

"Drill Sergeant Matthew Steel, at your service, Ma'am. How much did he promise to pay you to stay here with him?"

Pen laughed again. Like Lady Danbury indeed.

Colin smirked:"We didn't have the time to bargain, Sir."

Then his other siblings and his mother arrived, intrigued by Drill sergeant's noise.

"You didn't lie when you said Brigertons all look the same".

"Like twins, Sergeant."

"You fought with my brother, Sir?" Hyacinth asked, curious.

_ Of course you would have asked _ , Colin thought. _ Still gnawing away on that bone, are we Hyacinth? _

"No, Miss. But it would have been an honor to fight for Eagle Bridgerton".

Colin went rigid after that.

" _ Eagle Bridgerton? _ " Benedict asked laughing.

"BRIDGERTON! Are you telling me your family doesn't know about your value at the front?"

Colin clenched his jaw:"I didn't do anything remarkable, Sir" his tone serious.

"OH GOD, BRIDGERTON" drill sergeant said exasperated:"Just accept a compliment when someone says so".

"And I reply" Colin said in his firm tone, the tone of the soldier:"I did nothing remarkable".

"Why were you named Eagle Bridgerton?" Hyacinth asked.

"It's nothing" Colin cut it short.

"NOTHING BRIDGERTON? REALLY?! He saved the lives of his superiors in Germany with nothing but a grenade and a sniper rifle".

Colin sighed heavily:"Sir, please…"

"Your brother is brilliant with a sniper rifle. And he never received a proper sniper training. Really Bridgerton, your skills are impressive".

"As I said…"

"SHUSH!! He was incredibile, Germans never realised where he was. They fell one after the other. They called him Eagle because he never fails to shoot his prey".

"They were children…" Colin tried to say.

"They were old enough to hold a rifle" drill sergeant said matter-of-factly. 

" _ But they were children _ ".

Pen and Eloise shared a worried look. Colin was close to explode.

"Colin, please" Eloise said:"Can we go home? I'm tired and tomorrow I have to be early at the hospital."

Once they were home, he heard Eloise yell at Hyacinth:"Next time you want to know how war is you should join the army. Don't ever dare to ask another question about Colin's experience. If you push too much he will leave, don't you understand? He will leave, he will go back travelling and God knows when he will come back! I can't bear it, Hyacinth. Mother can't too. Just keep your mouth shut".

When they were alone in his bed Colin said:"I'm not going back travelling. I've already told you".

"I don't believe you" Eloise whispered.

"And I swear you, I won't. I will be reminded of war, everywhere I will go. It would be too painful. I'm staying here. I belong here. Stop worrying".

Eloise put her head on his shoulder and sighed:"Everything was grey without you. There was this heavy and cloudy atmosphere here. You are the sun, Colin. Everything is bright when you are here".

Colin hugged her:"Sleep now. I will be here when you wake up".

********************

At night, when Pen or Eloise are deeply asleep and he cannot, he writes. It's something he has always done while travelling, just putting down in words jis thoughts. Now, after the war, in a world he doesn't recognise like his, he writes of the world he knew, the world will never come back.

It's cathartic and salvific. Something that heals his wounds. Not the physical ones, but the others, the wounds he has in his soul, the one that are still bleeding.

"Colin?" Pen's voice is still full of sleep:"What are you doing?"

"It's nothing, really. Get back to sleep".

But she get up and came near him:"What is it?"

Colin shrugged:"Just words."

Pen noticed the title.  _ Ashes remain _ .

"It's a war poem?"

Colin shook his head:"I told you. Just words. It's just… an idea that I had after Paris liberation. I thought that, maybe, someone should tell the soldiers how Paris was before the war. And then I thought that… that everybody should know that too. And then this happened" he said pointing to his notebook.

Pen's eyes were full of tears. He was so sensitive. War didn't take that away from him.

"It's a wonderful idea. Everybody will read and love it".

Colin chuckled:"You haven't read it, some parts are really bad".

"You're just too hard on yourself. I read your journals, remember?"

Colin smirked:"You mean that time when I found you sneaking a peak on it without permission?"

Pen blushed:"Y-yes. But the point is that you're good at writing, Colin. Incredibly good".

Colin's smile softened:"You know, I want them to feel… as if they were there. Want them to see it in front of their eyes. And at the same time I want  _ those people _ to realise what they did. What they destroyed".

"Who are you referring to? Germans?"

Colin shook his head:"Not only. Our head officers are guilty too. Harris the butcher. The soldiers who ordered to blow up Gothic churches in Germany just because they were an obstruction to tanks. You have no idea of the art and monuments they cancelled forever just because of this stupid war".

Pen stroked his hair, as soft as Eloise's, tenderly:"They will, Colin."

Colin took her hand and kissed her palm, his oh so green eyes focused on her. He looked at her so intensely, so lovingly that she felt a fire burning inside her.

They have never done something compromising, only soft touches, only comforting each other. And yet, they felt an intimacy between each other… one that only married couples can experience.

_ This _ , Pen thought,  _ this is more than passion. This is the purest love. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, my biggest fear is that Eloise is the most out of character. That's why a put the conversation between Pen and Colin. Eloise thought she knew everything thanks to her books ("You wish to follow your heart, I wish to nurture my mind" remember?) But then, when she goes to the hospital the reality hit her like a punch in the stomach. I tried to explain my idea of Eloise in this particular universe.
> 
> "Still gnawing away on that bone are we" is a quotation from The Prince of Egypt. Ramses says that to Moses when Moses asks for the second time "Ramses, let my people go". While I think that in Ramses case it was very arrogant and posh, in Colin's point of view just expresses his exasperation towards this topic.  
> Drill Sergeant Matthew Steel is an original character. I put him in the story because not every soldier was like Colin. Some of them loved war because of fighting, because of the power of guns. They saw only black or white. Fortunately, Colin didn't. 
> 
> AND THE BOOK!!!!! I know, Canon!Colin writes about his travels. In a certain way, here he still does. He writes about the world that was, in order to make people reflect on the damages of war. He uses his writing as a weapon, a weapon that does not kill, but that makes think. It's very powerfull isn't it?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for all your kind and beautiful words on champter 8! THis afternoon I will take my time to properly answer to all your comments. I treasure the words you say to me, really. I'm not exaggerating.
> 
> I worn you. This chapter is really intense. Just make sure you have hankerchief next to you.
> 
> Hope you like it

This was all his Mother's fault. She started talking about marriage again, this time more specifically.

_ When are you going to marry Penelope? The girl has waited for you for too long. _

_ Have you proposed? How was it? _

He said to her naively that he didn't know how to propose.

_ How can you propose to someone you have known since her birth? Someone who knows you better than anyone and sometimes better than yourself? _

And then she talked about how  _ Father  _ proposed. How he brought her to the park where they always did promenades together, led her to a bench and said  _ This is the bench I hold your hand for the first time as a lover and not as a friend. The bench where I realised I loved you, that you were more than just a friend to me. _

And it was so sweet and mother still had tears in her eyes while remembering it. He wanted that for Pen too.

And so here he is, in the middle of Somerville's courtyard, feeling like a complete idiot.

"Colin?" Pen asked, confusion in her eyes.

_ Ok Bridgerton, you can do it. _

"Exactly two years ago we were together in this same courtyard. I was on leave from training camp and I came here with you, because I wanted to give you support for your nurse test. I remember I stood here with other young men, smoking. They were worried about their girlfriends, talking about how to comfort them if the test was too difficult. They asked me if I was worried too and I said no. And it's true, I wasn't. I was sure you would pass, because when you decide to do something you put 100% of yourself in it. And that day I realised everything. I knew I loved you, I just didn't know  _ how much _ ,  _ how deeply until that day _ . I knew I was proud of you, knew that you were more than what people think or see. But until that day I never realised how much I wanted the others to see and to know that too. And I know it would be naive from me to think that everybody will realise it, but I swear Pen, I do,  _ I see you, I wish you could see yourself with my eyes.  _ If you let me, I will spend every day of my life telling you how much I love you, how much I'm proud of you. Pen, I love you, I adore you, I worship the ground you walk on. And I don't want to spend another day without you not being my wife. So, please Pen, be my wife. Marry me".

He didn't realise she was crying and suddenly he panicked:"Did I say something wrong? Why are you crying? You… you don't want to marry me?"

Pen shook her head:"These are tears of happiness, Colin. Of course I will marry you."

He cupped her head with his hands and kissed her. 

And it was glorious.

********************

The worst part was telling her mother. He was standing in front of Portia Featherington in his uniform. He noticed that everybody took him seriously if he's wearing it. No one dares to say "Oh stop joking Colin" or "Be serious for once, Colin" if he wears the uniform.

He said to her that he wanted to marry Pen and she freaked out.

"Are you sure you want Pen? I mean, I have another daughter. Felicity is so young, but she is really beautiful and gentle and…"

"Lady Featherington, with all my respect, I don't want Felicity. I want Pen".

"But…"

"Lady Featherington, I'm serious. I will treat your daughter kindly. I will make sure she has everything she needs. I will take care of her. I…" Colin sighed:"I love her, truely, deeply. Just as she is. I don't care if you have another daughter. I want Pen."

And then she cried. Hysterically.

_ Why do I always make a Featherington cry? _

"If this is what Penelope wants, I cannot reject your offer, Mr Bridgerton."

Colin bowed his head:"Thank you, Lady Featherington" 

"No, Mr Bridgerton. I'm the one who should thank you. You are the only man who has always seen her, in a ballroom full of other young girls, more beautiful, thinner, more graceful than Penelope. You don't care about this sort of thing, do you? Thank you for seeing my daughter for her values and not for her flaws."

*********************

Colin didn't know why he accepted. Well, he does actually. He did it for Eloise, because finally she was like the usual Eloise. Strong mind and sharp tongue. And so, for the love of his sister, he accepted to bring her (and Pen, because where Eloise goes, Pen goes too and so he) to this poetry reading.

"Did you know that she writes for a living? I mean,  _ it's her job. _ A woman. Writing. As a job! And her husband doesn't say a word about it. Can you believe it?" Eloise screamed.

"It's very modern" Pen said.

"Did you know she was engaged with Roland Leighton? The author of your favourite war poem?"

"You told me once, yes" Pen nodded smiling. 

Sweet Pen. Always kind.

"Major Bridgerton?" A voice called him.

Colin turned and saw a man standing next to him, his hands behind his back:"May I have a word?"

Colin realised that Eloise had stopped talking and that her cheeks were redder.

_ Ah, I see. Little El trapping me. _

"I'm afraid I don't know you, sir…?"

"Lieutenant Phillip Crane".

"Mmh...want to join me for a smoke?".

When they were alone outside Colin laughed:"If you're going to do what I'm thinking, I'm the wrong brother. Anthony is the eldest, you should ask him for Eloise's hand".

Phillip chuckled:"As if Eloise would permit it."

"Indeed. She is no man's property. I suppose you already proposed to her, right? And that she said yes?" Phillip nodded:"Then why did she organise this trap?"

Phillip sighed:"You are her favourite brother. She won't marry me if you don't approve of me."

Colin laughed louder:"She is incredible" he said shaking his head:"And here I thought she was trapping me.  _ It's you who she is trapping _ ".

"I… beg your pardon?"

"She is challenging you. We are a very strange family, we protect each other, we would die for each other. She's just finding out if you would do the same."

"So… it's a test?"

"Indeed. A test you passed in my point of view."

Phillip smiled:"Well, thank you.".

"Actually, I'm the one who should thank you. It's because of you that Eloise is back to her usual self. I know that. We are siblings, we are so similar. Pen did the same with me" then he smirked:"You know that she will be a pain in the ass, right?"

Phillip smiled again. A smile so tender and loving. The same smile Colin knows he has everytime he thinks or talks about Pen:"Of course, but she is my pain in the ass".

Colin laughed:"Tell Eloise that I will stand by your side if Anthony ever says something against you. It was her real aim after all".

The afternoon was quite entertaining, Colin thought. Now that he knows Eloise's little secret he can mock her. He felt as if everything was back to normal, to the time before the war.

And then Eloise dragged him to Mrs Brittain, the author she had talked so much about.

"Mrs Brittain? It's an honor meeting you. My name is Eloise, and he is my brother, Colin. He served as a Captain in this war. He is writing a book and I thought that maybe you could give him some advice?"

_ Oh God, Eloise _ .

He felt embarrassed and nervous. He looked at the woman, stoic and rigid. Eloise told him that some people find her arrogant. Probably, they are right. But we always look arrogant to other people when we say things they don't want to hear. And Mrs Brittain has always done it. A pacifist in time of War always sounds arrogant.

"You're writing a book about war, Sir?"

Colin shook his head:"Not really. I… don't know exactly what it is. It's about the world, I suppose?"

"And what kind of answers do you want to give to the readers?" Her tone seemed challenging. 

"I don't presume to give answers. I even cannot find them for myself, how can I give them answers? No, I want them to think, want them to question themselves."

Mrs Brittain smiled:"You don't need my advice. You already know everything you need. A good writer doesn't give answers, but asks questions."

**********************

Pen has always known that Colin was kind. His kindness was one of the things she loves the most about him. Even in intimacy, he was kind. He never laughs at her, never jokes about the sounds she makes (sometimes she is ashamed of them, she sounds so…  _ eager _ , so lost in the passion he can cause in her. Everywhere he touches, everywhere he kisses, there is this burning lava in her. Sometimes she thinks she has lava in her veins and not blood.  _ God, don’t stop _ ). He also never says no to her. On the contrary, he let her do what she wants, let her touch him, let her explore him. He guides her  _ oh so tenderly _ in all of this. He constantly asks her if she is ok, if he’s hurting her, if he’s pushing too much.

_ No, Colin. More, please, more. _

She can’t help herself. She wants all of him. She wants him  _ closer, closer, the closest he can get.  _ Because for more times she likes to admit she thought she would lose him in war, and now that he is here, that he is with her, safe and sound,  _ now that he loves her _ , she doesn’t want to let him go.

They do things together that only husbands and wives should do together. And for once she doesn’t care if  _ actually they are not married yet. _ In her mind, they are. They have been since he proposed.

They do things together that only husbands and wives should do together, and  _ yet _ the most intimate thing that they do is  _ this _ : laying naked side by side, holding hands, his thumb gently stroking the back of her hand.

“You are my first, you know? First love, first kiss, first everything. And you will be the only one, too”.

He smiles, the wolfish smile of him she loves so much:”In some ways, you are my first too.”

Pen snorted:”You certainly had other women before me”.

Colin nodded. Because Colin never lies:”It’s true, but it was physical, only a need of the flesh. I never experience the same burning love I have with you. You are my only love, you understand that?”

She does. Because she sees it in his words, in his actions. Another man would have said empty words, his actions only mimicking what people read in books. Colin was authentic in his declaration of love.

“When you were at the front...did you have…?”

She knew it was childish for her to ask. THey weren’t a thing back then, he didn’t owe her anything.

_ Curiosity killed the cat, Pen. _

Colin looked her in the eyes, his gaze intense:”No. When I realised my true feelings for you, I stayed faithful and loyal to you. I even didn’t feel the need to do that. In my mind, we were married that day, when I left for training camp, when you smiled at me even if you wanted to cry. When you let me go, even if you wanted me to stay.  _ This marriage we are organising  _ is just a formality for me. We have been married for almost three years for me”.

She didn’t realise she started crying. He was so sweet that her heart ached.

He wiped away her tears with his thumb:”My only regret is that it took me so much to realise it.”

Pen smiled tenderly:”You are just in time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM  
> A lot happens, eh? I loved writing the proposal. And I loved writing the confrontation with Mrs Featherington. I lnow that in the books she is not kind with Pen, but in my point of view, she is just incapable to correctly express her love for her. She cares, of course she does, she just shows it the the very wrong way.
> 
> The Phillip-Eloise phase. I want Eloise to be back to normal. As Colin said, they are siblings and alike. Colin came back to normal thanks to Pen's love. Eloise thanks to Phillip's.
> 
> The last scene. I'm not very good with intimate scenes, I envy writers who can be so detailed and good in picturing what they do. I hope my scene is not that terrible ^^"
> 
> For the love of History: the Mrs Brittain I put in the chapter is the english author Vera Brittain. She served as a nurse in France during War World I and wrote poems and books about her experience. Her most famous book is Testament of Youth. And it's true, she was engaged to Roland Leighton (see chapter 3), but unfortunately he died in battle. She did write as a living, her books are one of my favourites. And it's true, she was a pacifist. During WWII she did conferences about how nonsense that war was. And it's true, she sounded a little bit arrogant to her contemporaries. But, as Colin said, everyone seems arrogant when they said something we don't like to hear.
> 
> Till next chapter.


End file.
